When we were all little children, we were fed a lie. Unknowingly, this lie was initiated by our parents, it was supported by our grandparents, our aunts and uncles and cousins, and then our teachers, our friends, and eventually our spouses. And nobody meant to do any harm – but sadly they did. They all played some part in teaching you what love was – and no-one taught you the right thing. It was like everyone taught you that the world was flat when it is round. They taught you the world was flat because they believed it was flat – not because they wanted to teach you the wrong thing.
And fundamentally, what they taught you was this. When you did what your parents wanted of you, they responded with smiles, pats on the head and kind words and tones.. When you didn’t do as they wanted, then the responses were mostly very different. You will have received tones and words of disappointed, irritation, frustration – frowns, sighs, rolls of the eyes, harsh words, even being yelled at for some and a whole range of different ‘punishment’. And this is the sad lesson that this taught you – “when I do what you want, you love me – when I don’t do what you want, you don’t love me anymore – or at least you love me considerably less.” Without anybody meaning to or teaching you to do this – you took this lesson one step further. You then decided that if people loved you less when you didn’t do as they wanted, then that must mean that there was something wrong with you – you decided that you weren’t worth loving.
And here stems the root of all human emotional pain – that we don;t feel good enough, worthwhile or lovable. It ruins our sense of self-esteem, our true confidence in ourselves and means we live a life in fear of the next time that someone tells us with their words or actions that we are not good enough.
You have been doing this to yourself for the last 20 years at least, over your wife’s infidelity. The fact that she had an affair with someone else said to you that you were not good enough for her – and this piled on top of all the times throughout your entire life – including all the years before you even met her, when people gave you the same message.
Now, here’s the other thing. EXACTLY the same thing happened to your wife. She grew up not believing she was good enough because her parents, family, teachers etc, also gave her the same message that you got – that in fact, 99% of the entire planet got. She didn’t feel good enough and that caused her her own pain. But instead of being taught about that pain, she went off and tried to find something that would soothe it for her. And since you weren’t taught about it as a child either, you didn’t know how to give her what she really needed. She didn’t have an affair because you weren’t good enough – she had an affair because she was taught as a child that she was not good enough – and that hurt her – a lot.
As children we were loved conditionally. If you do this, I will love you. If you don’t – I won’t. What heals this is unconditional love and I teach what unconditional love really is. I would recommend that you learn all about the truth and healing power of unconditional love. It is the only thing that will help you to overcome your pain of an affair and keep pain free for the rest of your life.